|
| Your last ex shows up at your house and asks for you back, you say?
No ex
Is the person you last texted single?
Yeah
How do you type your smileys?
=].
How often do you straighten your hair?
Never
Favorite hotel to stay at?
Grand wailea in maui. Even the hilton waikoloa on the big island.
Would you ever go on a game show if you were offered?
Fuck yeah!
What does your phone do when it receives a new text?
"New message". I changed it from sigur ros cause I be textin a lot lately =]. Saves battery
When and why did your parents get their angriest at you?
Idk probably when I didn't tell em about my speeding ticket for like a year
First person you saw today?
My brother
Why do people usually kiss people?
Idk
Was last night terrible?
Nah.
Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor?
No
What is the stupidest hairstyle in your opinion?
The sceney fucking hair with the spike in the back and long in the front. Sorta like a reverse mullet
At your best friend's house, do you know where they keep their silverware?
I know where the silverware is in a bunch of my friends homes lolol
Is your hair clean?
Idk. Sure
Do you scare little kids?
Nah
What does your mom do that really pisses you off?
There's a lot
If you were a kind of candy, which would you be?
Idkkk
Who all have you seen today?
Mother father brother
What do you think would be the coolest movie to be in?
Idkk. Star wars?
Do you know anyone who does cocaine?
Nope
Ever gone skinny dipping?
Nah
Do you act different around someone you like?
Yeah, I suppose
Ever dated two people at once?
Neh boi
Ever kissed in the rain?
Nah
Do you find it hard to tell someone you like them?
Mhm
Are you happy?
Im tired but for the most part, yeah
Do you like meeting new people?
Sure.
When was the last time you were up late, on the phone with someone?
Last night. Idk if you consider midnight late but when seraiah called it was bout midnight lol
Is it okay to kiss people when you're single?
Why wouldn't it be lol
Do you find the opposite sex confusing?
Mhmm
Are you afraid of falling in love?
Idk.
Do you consider yourself lucky?
Sure
Do you care what people think about you?
Sometimes
Are you ever a freak about cleanliness or organization?
Sometimes when I feel like it but its very very rare lol
Do you ever bite your lip?
Sometimes
Who was the last person under 21 you were in a car with?
Blake in vegas
How tall is the last person you hugged?
steh short! =]
What's your opinion on ketchup?
Its alright
Name a part of the song you are listening to?
"Get the fuck up she said, your life is meaningless its going no where you're going no where. You're just a fuck up she said"
Are you taller than your mom?
Mhm
What woke you up this morning?
My dad
Do you believe that you can change for someone?
I suppose. You shouldn't need to though
Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
The couch at the hotel we stayed at
Are you perfect?
Nah
What is the last movie that you watched?
I don't remember
Can you throw a frisbee?
Sure
What are you doing tonight?
Idk. Nothing
Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke?
Once
Love or money?
Can I have both?
Credit cards or cash?
Debit haha
Where were you at 9am this morning?
Getting out of bed. And by bed I mean couch
What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had?
Pink lemonade. Faka said it was regular lemonade.
Do you miss anyone?
Yessssss ughh 4 more daysss
What's irritating you now?
Nothing
Do you like Chinese food?
Yeah
Do you get distracted easily?
Sometimes
Are you growing apart from someone close?
Idk
Is there something you would like to tell someone?
I miss you! Ill be home soon! =]
Do you ever think "what if" about things?
Sometimes
Have you ever regretted anything?
Not recently
Do you judge people you don't know?
Yeah lol
Have you ever had your heart broken?
No?
Do you hate when people smoke around you?
Yeah...
In the past week have you cried?
Nopee
Do you have any bruises?
No
What about scratches?
no? Idkk
Dark or or light hair in the opposite sex?
Don't matter
Have you ever gotten a sunburn so bad it hurt to move?
In canada.
Who do you talk to when you're down?
Pre, linda, idk
Is there someone you will never forget?
Sure lol
Who wouldn't you want to be tied to for 24 hours?
Someone irritating. Idk
Who do you blame for your bad mood today?
Idk. Im not in a bad mood
How long do you think you will live?
Idkk
What was the first thing you did this morning?
Brush my teeth
Do you drink lots of water?
Nah. I should drink more water
Have you ever thought you liked someone, and then found out that you really didn't?
Once lol | | |
| All through out my life I have always been very insecure, not once in my almost eighteen years of life have I loved myself for who I was. Sometimes I think that it must have a lot to do with the way I was raised. Ever since I was just a child I had a father who was very abusive, verbally. I can honestly not remember one single day where my father has not put down my sister or I. I grew up with the knowledge drilled into my head that I was worthless, helpless and couldn't do anything right. I was also always constantly made aware that I was overweight and discusting.
I don't know where it began but sometime within a few years of my childhood I was concidered obese. Early on in my childhood I was actually a pretty thin kid, and I was also very happy, so was my sister who deals with about the same exact self-image as I do. We hit a certain age and for some reason seemed to blow up like a balloons. I don't know if it had anything to do with stress, or emotions but we did gain the weight and we did gain it fast. What makes it most difficult was that these years are the years I remember most out of my very unfortunete childhood.
I was born and raised in Hawaii, a place where whether or not you're aware of it, is a very racial environment. I grew up in a small neighborhood that is concidered to be one of the "ghettos" of Hawaii (yes we have those, too. this entire place isn't paradise!) Growing up there was a very difficult task, because everyday was a struggle with my emotions, and self-confidence. I would get teased almost every single day for the way that I looked. I would mostly get teased for my size but I all too often would be picked on for the color of my skin as well; white. I think that was the begining of it all. The begining of hating myself.
As I got older I became more self-concious. I am always exrtremely aware of my body and constantly thinking about how discusting I must look to other people. I can't sit in a chair or on a bus without having my purse cover my lap because I don't want people analyzing my discusting thighs.
I feel like I'm imprisoned by my self image.
There was a point in time when I reached the 8th grade, where I had lost an excesive amount of weight (how I lost it, is unknown) and was actually concidered "skinny" for the first time in my life. I liked the attention I recieved from people, I actually for the first time had guys hitting on me and telling me that I was beautiful. I never thought, in my life, that that'd be possible. The saddest thing about it is that, even at my skinniest, a size 1, I still felt discusting. I remember getting ready for our 8th grade banquet, which was the biggest event of the year, I cried. I cried while looking at myself in the mirror, I cried because the girl I saw looking back at me was fat, and discusting.
Gradually over the years I began to gain alot of weight, and pretty fast, which is very unhealthy. How I gained it once again is unknown. Over the course of 4 years, I have gained a wopping 70 pounds! Now, when I look at that picture of me from the banquet, I want to cry, I want to cry like how I did that morning while getting ready, because I would KILL to be that size again.
The point is, even at my skinniest I still felt fat and discusting, does that mean that my entire self-image is purely mental? And also, will I EVER be happy with myself? I always say that "oh if I lose at least 50 pounds I'll be happy with myself" but would I? Really?
These thoughts worry me, because I don't want to go the rest of my life hating who I am, for God made me who I am therefor I should love myself. But why don't I? Is it because the way I was raised? Or is there something going on deep inside myself? I really don't know. Too many unanswered questions.
I've had eating disorders in the past, and I've done many things to try to become skinny, but I am nowhere as dangerous as my sister was.. or maybe is. My sister and I went through the same exact thing, we fought through the same exact childhood and we've climed that mountain of weight gain and weight loss and weight gain. The only difference, my sister kept it off. My sister lost her weight alot earlier than I had. When I was still very very overweight she had somehow made her way to unbelievebly skinny. I would look at her in envy, hoping that I turned out that way. She had a dangerous dose of eating disorders and was always so much worst of with them then I was, she also tried certain drugs in order to keep weight off, something that I am not desperate enough to attempt. I think one of the biggest differences between us is that she has a huge amount of will power, which is something that I undoubtfully lack. My sister has always been skinnier than me, and take note, she's also older. I hate being compared to her all the time, I basically live in her shadow.
Though my sister has since gained weight from her skinniest she is still ten times skinnier than me. If I were to lose 40 pounds and grow two or three inches, I would be just as skinny as my sister. Sometthing I WISH I could do. I still don't know if I'd honestly be happy then. I need to learn to accept myself, to embrace myself. I wish I knew the secret to that.
Weight isn't the only issue that I'm faced with though, I also have terrible teeth (a crossbite) and have very damaged hair. I also lack femenine charm. I'm always concidered one of the guys, and for once I want to feel sexy. I want to learn to take care of my hair like most NORMAL girls do. And I wish I could fix my teeth. I'll never smile in front of anyone, and if I do my hand is covering my mouth. In all my school pictures I'm smiling with my mouth closed. I hate it.
The moral of the story is, that I don't love myself, and don't know if I ever will. Which frightens me.
I don't want to be a prisoner anymore.
Do any of you feel the same way? | | |
| Growing up is something that I'm not entirely excited about anymore. I am currently 17 and I turn 18 in late September, I am completely afraid of the day. I don't want to become an adult as weird as it may sound. Though I will finally be able to buy my own ciggarettes, get my license and get into a club without having to use my sisters ID, I want to avoid becoming 18 as much as possible.
Growing up I was always so excited to get older, to face "the real world". I had big ambitions for myself and there was alot I wanted to do. I thought that all my stupid childish problems would go away as soon as I got older. Boy was I ever wrong. Growing up not only made my problems more difficult, but more complicated as well. There was so much more I had to worry about and deal with. I kind of wish that I could have put my naieve mind on pause back then so that I wouldn't have rushed myself through life.
I've always been very mature for my age, inside and out. I had people thinking I was 21 when I was 15. I also have a sister who is two years older than me, and people often mistake her for my younger sibling. I carry myself very well I guess.
I think I first started growing up too fast when I turned 13, I was very rebelious and would never listen to a higher athourity. I became a huge problem for my parents, I think I gave them hell. I would come home past midnight, and sometimes never come home at all, without a phone call home or nothing. I would go out to the club every weekend (for local shows), and I started to smoke ciggarettes, drink alcohol and smoke marajuana. I was in a band and was already thinking of making it big. I was wishing I'd grow up so that my dream could come true. I never once stopped to think about all the precious things I had at the time, I always wanted more.
I miss the innocence I had when I was younger.
I miss having people not being disappointed in me 90% of the time.
I miss not having people rely on me all the time.
I miss not having to worry about finding a job, or financial situations.
I miss the way my parents loved me.
I miss having my family around me all the time.
I miss not having to worry about how long my grandparents would be around.
I hate how things are now.
I dropped out of high school when I was 16 because I was determind to get a jump start at the future. That was possibley the biggest mistake I have ever made. A few days ago I attended what was supposed to me my high school graduation. It hurt me so much to see my friends graduating without me, I saw people who I went to elementary school with being congradulated for all the years of hard work they faced. It was a feeling that's difficult to explain. Though I still am graduating this year, it hurt knowing that that could have been me with everyone else.
People always say to treasure high school because those are the best years of your life, and I wish I had listened. But I didn't I was too busy forcing myself to grow up. I have expierienced a hell of a lot for my age I will admit, but I just don't want to get any older.
I want to stay 17 for as long as I possibley can. I don't want to grow up!
I'm fearful of the future, fearful of the pain that I will have to eventually face.
I'm terrified and I don't think anyone knows this.
Like that song from Motion City Soundtrack, "The Future Freaks Me Out". | | |
| My name is "Sydneey" and I'm someone who is constantly lost in thought. on the outside I often come off as a very goofy and fun loving person, but on the inside I am much more complex than that. I think a lot of people fail to see that quality in me, or maybe they just choose not to.
I like to blog because it's personally my favorite way of venting my feelings and frustraitions, aside from writting music. I think writting out my thoughts put me more at ease though, because it gives me that satisfaction that maybe someone out there is reading it, and is understanding me. I can hope right?
I'm someone who all too frequently ends up in the most twisted and sticky situations, which I can't, no matter what seem to wrap my mind around. These situations by the way are usually put upon me by my own self, making things much more complicated. I will eventually explain all this, and maybe you'll know what I mean.
My current situation is one that I'm pretty sure other people will understand quite well. Then again, what do I know? Sometimes I think that I'm a horrible person because of the feelings that I develope but I can't control them anyway.
Okay, allow me to explain myself.
I am currently in a relationship with a boy that I've been with for 10 months now, this is my longest relationship (yeah, not too long) let's say his name is "Andrew".
I met Andrew pretty much a year ago. I had just started at a new school with one of my best friends at the time, named Alex, he invited me over the morning of our first day so that I could have company on my way to school. Alex took me up to his room to wait for him while he got ready. When I entered his room I noticed a boy sitting on his bed with a Playstation 3 controller in his hand, he was wearing a wifebeater and black Dickies shorts. Alex introduced the two of us. His name was Andrew, he was Alex's best friend. I couldn't help but to notice that Andrew had posessed really nice lips, which had a ciggarette dangling from them. Alex then left the room and left us in awkward silence.. well not entirely. The only noise that could be heard was the sound of gun shots blaring out of the television set; Call of Duty4: Modern Warfare. I had lit a ciggarette to help lessen the awkwardness, but Andrew still hadn't said a single word, the only thing he did that made me sure that he wasn't completely ignoring me was to move the ashtray he was using towards my reach. Little did I know that I was going to fall madly in love with this boy.
At the time that I met Andrew I had been dating this guy named Ron, we weren't in a serious relationship at all, he was just some guy that I randomly got drunk with and ended up hooking up with, if it were up to me we would have never dated at all. He had pretty much took advantage of me and asked me out while I was wasted, I don't even understand how I had even said yes to him in that condition.. he was THAT bad, he was also seven years older than me. The reason I stayed you may ask? He had money, a car and a job, how horrible of me, it's just that he had all the things that I had none of. After a short while I started to realize that all those things were not good enough reasons to stay at all, and I had started to develope feelings for someone else: Andrew.
At a certain point my feelings for Andrew had flourished and grown tremendously, I could no longer hide them, but there was a problem, a huge one.
Andrew liked one of my new friends named Mercury, a girl who still had feelings for her ex boyfriend Mark, who I might add had developed a crush on none other than.. muah. We had all pretty much built this love square, reguardless of wether or not we were aware of it. Tough stuff.
One night, I got drunk (big surprise) and so did Andrew. Getting drunk would actually be an understatement, he was SHIT FACED, and who had to take care of him? Yes... me :] So I took advantage of the moment and let it be known that I had cared about him, dearly. A few days later, he asked me out.
Fast forward about 8 months later. Our relationship starts going south. I've lost that spark that I once had with him, he's no longer that speckle in my eye. I can honestly say that all we do now is fight and argue about pretty much everything under the fucking sun. I don't make him happy, and vice versa. You may say "Why not break up with him?" and heres where my biggest issue comes in.
I love him. I really do. Just to make things clear I am not someone who throws around the word "love". Oh how I have learned my lesson indeed. But it is true, I do love him, very much so. Wheres the problem? It's the TYPE of love I have for him. I love him in a best friend way, because he is my best friend. I love him as a person, for who he is, but I am no IN love with him, nor do I have romantic feelings for him. As sad as it may sound I'm not even sexually attracted to him anymore. I am not a robot though, I have a conscience, and I feel pitty.
I pitty Andrew for the life that he has lived, he is such a strong person for having to face all the obsticles in his life. He's been through things that make MY life look like a walk in the park, which is saying alot. It's too bad that Andrew can't see this stregnth in himself. He is one of the most insecure people that I have ever met in my life, he is even worst than me. If I were to leave him it'd be the end of him, not to sound concieded or anything. He once told me that if I were to leave him he'd kill himself because he would have nothing. Though people may be judgemental and think that's a stupid and weak thing to do, I know Andrew very well and he has alot of right to say those things, but not entirely. His life really is crap.
There was a point where we both were a stronghold for eachother, we were one anothers fuel, we kept eachother going. Pushing through all the bullshit that surrounded us. But even then, Andrew had told me that he was always going to be unhappy and that I was simply not enough to change that, yeah I know, low blow.
I used to live with Andrew, I spent almost every single moment with him for 6 months straight, no lie. And sometimes I think that that may have been our downfall. We spent too much time together. At the time he didn't understand that that were possible concidering I was his first relationship, he wasn't aware that spending that amount of time together was concidered dangerous in the early stages of a relationship. I almost feel bad for not telling him the basic unwritten rules.
With all of that said you can't blame me for what I am about to tell you. As horrible as it may sound, I have developed feelings for someone else. To make it even worst, this is actually the SECOND person I've had feelings for other than Andrew within a very short period of time.
The first guys name was Venti, he was the type of guy that always had a huge amount of girls swooning over him. He was dreamy, and adorable, yet amazingly gorgeous and undeniabley sexy. Venti had charm that other guys can only wish to have. He didn't even have to say a word to make a girl melt, not to mention he was in a very popular band. I've always seen him as terribley out of my league, until one day he laid his flirt on me. He had me wrapped hopelessly at the edge of his fingertips after that and oh how he knew it. One day he asked me to bed with him, and as much as I wanted to say yes, I didn't because of Andrew, and boy am I thankful for that. You see, I don't believe in cheating, I had a guilty conscience the entire duration of time that I liked this boy, this manwhore of a boy. That's right, he was a dirty little slut, not surprising. I laid in bed at night in Andrews arms, and held back the tears of guilt that I wanted to display. I couldn't do this to him, I couldn't break him.
Over time I started to recognize all the discusting flaws that Venti had possesd, flaws that my sister had warned me about from the start. Sometimes I wish I would just listen to her. After what seemed like an eternity (which in reality was only around 2 months) I had finally gotten tired of him, and that's when the new guy came along.
I actually knew the 'new guy' for quite some time but just never really paid much attention to him I guess, he isn't the type of guy that girls typically find attractive. His personality isn't very great either, he is what most people like to call, an asshole, or more recently a dbag. He is reckless, very mean and short tempered. But he is also funny, can be nice when he wants to, and reminds me so much of well... me. I like to be around him because he's alot of fun, I find alot of the stupid things he does, quite cute. He's never had a girlfriend and for some strange reason that makes me even more drawn to him. (I guess I like the "untouched" types haha.) He is currently the person that I have feelings for. To be honest though, I don't think he's too fond of me.
We first started talking because he was a good friend of my sisters, then befriended me. We started to talk alot on webcam on nights where we were both equally bored out of our minds. We'd have funny conversations, and he'd often make fun of me. One night, I asked him for his number and I guess that is where it started. Our webcam conversation had gotten shut down for some reason so he texted me to ask what happened, and since then we've been talking almost everyday. Lately, it seems though I get on his nerves, so I'm trying my hardest to avoid him, but I can't help to think that he's avoiding me too. I just get this vibe from him that he hates me for some unknown reason. I have two theories.
One: He somehow found out that I like him and thinks I'm discusting and wants nothing to do with me whatsoever. Maybe he's pushing me away because he doesn't see me like that.
Two: He does like me and is just afraid to admit it but is on the other side of the fence and thinks that I don't like HIM. Maybe he's feeling exactly what I am right now about me, but there's miscommunication? I think ever since he found out I have a boyfriend he's been pushing me away because he think that he stands no chance.
Honestly, I don't know where he stands. I'm curious to know though. I told my sister and her boyfriend (who is also good friends with him) that I do like him. And they think it's great. They're encouraging me to do something about it because he's never had a girlfriend before. I don't know what to do though. HELLO HAVE WE FORGOT ABOUT ANDREW HERE?
So now you can see where my situation gets oh so sticky and verryyy confusing. You can also see how I'm the one to blame for it.
UGH. Now I'm just stuck with figuring out what to do.
I simply do not know.
| | |
|
